Another Piece From My BooK I am Writing

                                                                          Self-Reflection
                                                                              Lesson 2
“Do not compare yourself to others. Instead compare yourself to the previous you to help you gain a better perspective on where you are trying to go”
                                                                - Joselinn Maldonado


    Every woman has a story.  There have been times I walked by another woman and I pondered to myself what her story could actually be.  Our stories may shape us into the people that we are but they surely don’t define us.  They don’t determine where we go next or what type of women we will be in life.  Again, we have that power to conclude our outcomes. 
    A lot of women are walking around broken, no clue as to how to pick up the pieces from some of their stories.  Some women are holding on so tight that they don’t know how to let go.  Pain, heartache and built up anger are just a few things that will deteriorate the true essence and beauty of any woman.  We have to take a look inside of ourselves and question: “What am I carrying around that I want to let go?” 
    There is nothing marvelous about baggage.  Nothing positive can come out of holding on to things that have such a toll on our hearts and minds.  Without letting go, you are adding issues on top of issues and its only a matter of time before you collapse. The most strongest and wisest words that any person can live by is: “You have to let go and let God.”  Let go of those issues and leave them in God’s hands because He can handle all things if you allow Him to.  Stop worrying about things that you have no control over.  Instead work on something that you do have control over: Yourself.
    Some women allow past relationships to hinder their growth, not understanding how much authority you are giving to a man that was not any good to begin with.  That man that came into your life and added  injury to your heart had a purpose in your story.  Did you ever stop to think that he was suppose to do you wrong? He was suppose to cheat on you so you can draw some conclusions on what kind of man that you really want in your life.  How could you know if something is cold if you never felt what something hot feels like?  How can you know what a noble man looks like if you don’t know what a immoral one looks like?  We learn from experience and sometimes we just have to experience things first hand to really gain the clearest understanding. 
    We are constantly picking the same kind of man to be with and when they do us wrong we are so quick to yell out that all men are no good.  Yes, maybe that “type” of man that you have been dealing with is no good, but there are good men.  We are persistently setting ourselves up for failure because we continue to settle and not taking the time out to get to know ourselves first.  If you understood the type of woman you are and had a plain view of your worth you will stop attracting these “no good men.”  You have become a clear target for weak men by being a weak woman. 
    I can relate to this situation perfectly.  I was a weak woman.  I can go as far as saying that by the type of men I was choosing I could have called myself a little bit shallow.  I went for men that had street credit instead of good credit.  I choose men who wore baggy jeans instead of men who dressed in a decent manner.  I didn’t stop to think that a man with his pants hanging off his ass could never be taken seriously in any type of situation other than the streets.  I dated plenty of men whose vocabulary was so low that the only way they could express themselves was by using four letter words.  I got involved with men who referred to me as their “bitch” instead of their woman.   I got caught up with men who hustled the streets every night instead of choosing a real job so he could be home with his family.  I did bids with my ex husband.  While he was incarcerated, I worked two jobs to keep his commissary stacked and our bills paid.  I allowed any type of man in my life that would show me any kind of affection.  I needed someone to love me. Why?  Because I did not love myself. 
    It’s nothing but a cycle and once you realize your worth you will realize it’s time to break your cycle.  Reflect.  Compare the men you have been dating in your life.  You will notice the simalarites that each one of those men share.  Make a list of all the good qualities you want in a man and highlight the ones you know you can’t compromise on.  Stand by your list.  Never settle for the first man that pops up, you deserve what you want. 
    So many women settle because they don’t want to be alone.  They are so scared that they might grow to love the person they really are.  They need someone in their life to justify the greatness that they already have.  Whenever I find myself alone, I use that time to reflect.  Reflect on the woman that you are now.  Reflect on the woman that you aspire to be.  Set goals for yourself so you can reach for that woman you really want to be.  You have to learn how to stand alone so you could actually know if you could stand.  God removes people out of your life for a reason.  When people exit your life it only means their role in your story has ended.   Although theirs may have ended new people will always arise.  You have to learn to decipher through those people and choose the ones that are worth keeping in your life. 
    Once you grasps the woman that you are and come into an idea of the life that you want, things will come to you in a more natural way.  You just have to learn to trust your womanly instints and hold on to the faith that everything will be alright.  Becoming a woman is a very beautiful thing.  Growing up and realizing all the choices you have can only mold you into a better woman.  It could open your eyes to a new light.  It could bring you to the realization of all the things that you wanted for yourself but just thought those things were hard for you to attain.  Anything that your heart desires can be yours. 
    Like with anything you gain in life you have to be willing to put in work.  You have to be willing to make the first move.  People can guide you and be a motivation to your life but if you are unwilling to make changes for yourself, then you will always find yourself at square one.  You will never make it past your thoughts.  You want to go beyond that little voice inside your head, because if you don’t find the strength it’s more easy than you may think to get stuck. 
    Sometimes we can be our worst enemy or I like to say, our worst critic.  A lot of times we go back and fourth convincing ourselves that we can not be more than what we are.  Or we make up excuses, because it’s less scarier than making life changes.  I will admit change can be a very scary thing, but becoming stuck in a place in your life that continuously leads to dead ends is much more scarier to me in my book.  You have to decide what you really want to do.  You have to reflect on yourself and decide if your worth it.  I know your worth it, but that means nothing if you don’t know.  You have to be the one to take the first step and walk out on faith. 
    The beauty of a woman is to evolve and to use the situations you’ve been given in your life to grow.  Sometimes we are just dealt difficult hands in life.  Some of our paths may differ and be more hard going to deal with from one woman to the next, but there are lessons in everything that we go through.  There is room for growth in every condition we have to face.  What is great about life is that you do have the opportunity to engrave what happens next. 

A little of my book

The Truth

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

   

    A lot of people stray away from the truth because in hard times, it’s not what we really want to hear.  I can sugar coat things for you and you can walk away, after reading this, feeling the same way you did when you came or I can give you the truth.  I choose to be as honest as I possibly can be.  When finding yourself you have to first step out of that shadow you’ve been hiding behind. 
    There are many kinds of shadows in life.  My shadow just happened to be my abusive ex husband.  I lived his life and did things he told me to do.  I allowed him to control when I smiled.  I wore clothes that he liked. I found myself constantly walking with my head held down.  I did those things for so long that I became an image from inside of his head and I lost sight of who I was completely.  After I stepped outside of his shadow it took me a while to find the person that I was.  I searched high and low for myself.  I tried to commit to memory all the things that I did and liked before I met him.  I must confess it took a while, I just could not get back in the grove of me or at least who I thought I was.   It took me so long because God did not intend for me to go back to the person that I was, I had to move forward to that woman I was going to be.  Our lessons and the things that we go through in life is what shapes us into the people we become.  So whatever shadow you are hiding behind: whether it is an unhealthy relationship, a job your unhappy with, your children, your family, lies that you tell; whatever your case may be, it’s time to stop hiding. 
    You can not put so much time and effort in making other people happy that you forget about your own happiness and well being.  Women are naturally care takers so it’s only normal to want to do so much for others, but to compromise your own happiness is obscured.  If you really stop to think about it, it’s a little extreme.  Although our shadows may be different from one woman to the next, the fact that you can admit that you are hiding is a major first step. 
    So many women waste years of their lives before they realize the truth. A shadow does not necessarily mean something negative, it could just be something that you put so much into that you forget about yourself and sometimes loose yourself in.  For example: your family, children and work.  Sometimes our families and children can consume so much of our time that we don’t have time left for ourselves.  Take a break from cooking every night, put the children down a little earlier for bed, have a movie night where you can just relax.  Don’t work so much overtime at work, sometimes the money is just not worth it.  These are just a few things you can do to give yourself a little more “you” time.       
Women like the new term “superwoman” but in being all these women we are forgetting the one person that matters the most: yourself.  It’s okay to want to do for your children and family, as you should, but that’s not all your life has to be about.  Make time for yourself.  Date yourself. Read a book to yourself.  Hell, have a drink with yourself.  Whatever you need to do to give yourself a little you time and keep that smile on your face I say do it.  It is extremely okay to recognize what you have accomplished and treat yourself for it.  You have to give credit when credit is due and most of the times women fail to give themselves credit.  We think just because it’s a responsibility that it’s not work when really it is, we just get paid differently for it. 
    I love truth.  I think honesty goes a much longer way than telling someone and yourself what they want to hear.  The day I decided to be honest with myself and my feelings is the day my life began to change.  Some people like to call it denial, but I like to call it as I see it: lies.  No one can help you seek out what you are looking for when you are constantly being dishonest about you and your situations.  Why cry out for help when you pretend on a daily basis that everything is good?  You’re a real woman with real feelings, not a character inside of a book, so stop role playing.  At the end of your script you will be filled with a lot of hurt and plenty of regrets. 
    Everyone will never be on the same page as you.  You may come across people who don’t agree with what you feel and that is okay.  One thing that I have learned on what I call “my journey home”  is that I am entitled to my feelings.  I can cry when I want to cry, even if it doesn’t make sense to the next person why I am crying.  If it is what I feel at the moment, I will embrace it.  Pretending is not an option for me and it should not be an option for you.  Once you tap into your real feelings you will get a better sense of who you are because you are no longer pretending to be other people.  You are no longer a copy of a copy.  You are you, the woman God designed you to be. 
    As  women,  tapping into your emotions may be a roller coaster ride at first.  Some days will be better than other days. We are emotional creatures, we think with our hearts.  We are passionate about what we say when we express ourselves.  A lot of times we expect people to listen and understand why…
    Truth: Everyone will not understand.  Some people may question your thoughts and your reasons. Some may even question your heart.  But to be completely honest with yourself you have to choose to let go of what other people may think of you and just do whats best for you.  When you make the decision to become a better you, you are saying to yourself that you are worth it.  I am saying to you that you are worth it.  No matter what life has taken you through or taken from you, you can and will overcome.  You are a woman and your foundation is strength. 
    In your tears, there is growth.  In your pain, there is growth.  In your loss, there is growth.  In your suffering, there is growth.  No matter what your circumstances may be, there is growth.  You have to embrace it.  You have to know that everything that you go through  is for a reason.  God will never put more on you than you can bare.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  You have a purpose but in order to reach your purpose you must find yourself. 
    At some point in life, we all get lost.  Everyone ventures out out of curiosity.  Some women get lost in a man.  Truth is truth and I am here to speak on it.  A lot of us don’t realize when we do loose ourselves in a man that it‘s not that mans fault for taking us through the drama.  Its the lack of love and self worth we have for ourselves which allows us to just accept anything. When  we are  looking for someone to love us we end up settling for the first man that gives us anything that may feel like it could be love.  Confused because we didn’t know ourselves, so we settle. If you truly had an understanding of your self worth, you would  never allow such disgrace in your life.    Now that we are on the search for ourselves, we no longer have to settle for anything.  
    Still to this day I cringe a little thinking about what I went through with my ex husband.  Sometimes, every inch of me wants to blame him for the trials that we faced.  After all, it was he who thought a man should beat on a woman.  It was him who attempted to bash my name and destroy my character. Unfortunately, it was I who allowed it.   At that time I did not know my price tag.  I allowed him to treat me as if I was something off a clearance rack when in actuality I belonged in a show case.  Sometimes we just have to take a back seat to pointing the finger and evaluate the facts because majority of the time the finger points right back at us. 
    I just want every woman to know that life is amazing, and your life can be anyway you want it to be.  You have the power.  Life is what you make it.  Never be afraid of tomorrow and never be ashamed of yesterday.  Real women are not perfect.  Real women will and always will be searching for what their hearts desire.  Real women have ups and downs.  Real women get tired. Real women are so many things that we are everything.  We just need to get a better grasp on ourselves so we can be better at those every things.    

The Forgotten

I walked into the light that defines me as a mother,
as a woman,
as a caregiver,
as a wife,
not taking for granted the life
that we once shared together.
Bring peace between two human beings,
to produce happiness,
because you were my happiness.
And that's where my mistakes lied.
Trying to cradle you in my arms,
to ban you from all harm,
because as a woman I tend to react as a protector.
Forgetting to shield myself,
but you were all that mattered. 
I woke up everyday with one mission,
while you were fishing, and feining for self,
I continued to walk,
breaking,
Not responding,
My line gone flat,
Trying to revive myself
Still, Not responding.
I became a walking zombie
baby yelling mommy
and I still can't move
trying to come to terms with how I landed in this state of mind,
Confused, because I was a good woman.
I saw the light,
I walked through without any regrets,
I'll never forget, or let it be forgotten
That I gave my all to what made me happy
and I let it become the death of me
dying with no sympathy
because I forgot about self,
and he forgot too. 

The Mission

Your feelings don't fuckin matter
swallow it up
and focus on the mission
Life if way deeper than the things you feel
forget that you are a woman,
and let your insides remain hallow,
swallow,
every thought you may think,
because it really don't matter.
In the end, all that matters is the mission.
Put aside the fact that you love,
no one cares that you hurt,
It's not about your work,
or your self worth,
it's about the mission.
So forget that you are a woman
forget that you feel
your feelings don't fuckin matter
and that's what's real. 

Untitled

I've always been a better writer,
Through my pain and suffering.
Putting blast on the truth
To express what I feel.
Diggin deep within my soul
Yanking out my real,
Shit is ill.
Sometimes I feel like
I was blessed with a gift and a curse,
Still searching for my self worth
And on my journey through it all
I still want to tell you that I love you.
My words never seem to flow
The way I really them to.
Whenever I try to express
What you mean to me
See,
It was rare for me to find my happy face
In a world I felt cold in.
Should of told you
about the illmatics that I faced,
But I really wanted you to love me
As I did you,
And eventually you did....
I'm not one to praise man for anything
because I believe in a higher power,
But I thank you,
And I shower you with my love
For putting trust in me
Even when I couldn't put it in myself,
You were my help.
Held my hand when I was afraid
Never let it go
Never showed me that you gave a fuck
About the things I didn't know.
Always shared your knowledge
Even at times I didn't want to accept it
You were patient
Delibrant, Self-conscious on how you spoke to a woman that was broken
Holding on to your hope that she can be fixed
Not realizing that you became my piece maker
Gluing me back together as if it was easy,
Giving meaning to a life that had none at all,
Never letting me fall,
Or give up.
Yes, I want to be the one to give you everything
Not because I only owe you
But because I love you

untitled

The come up
The feeling starts in my feet then exits out my mouth
like throw up.
Enough said.
Known me for years
and still wonders what flows threw my head
Don't worry, I contemplate on it too
the only difference is I forget about it
and it flows through my ink that scribbles down on my pad
I wish I could gain a complete understanding
but God wishes for me to learn the lesson
and refuses to just throw me answers
So I gotta keep pushing
aiming at that goal that started all the questions,
I thank Him for my blessings
and for continuing to keep me grounded,
even in the midst of the hounds
I got around
Saw the light at the end of the tunnel
and although I haven't reached it yet, I'm coming.
I'm not forgotten nor forsaken, I'm running.
The world was never the hindrance
it was only myself
but I'm coming.
Learning, fighting, dying
then reviving myself still reaching for the light
I'm coming.
Never to hold my head down again,
never to mistake those as friends
I'm coming.
And once I get there
I will fly!

My Old Testament

Went through a thousand hells,
and a lot of sleepless nights.
Walked a million miles barefoot,
With absolutely no eye sight.
Ran marathons in the rain,
woken up to no sun light.
Darkness, dreadfulness,
and one hell of a gloomy life...
It started out fatherless,
a young girl searching for her soul.
A daddy never present,
pushed her into arms that were cold.
A bastard from day one,
a man who cared less to free me.
Walking around with suicidal thoughts,
because I felt so damn empty.
School wasn't any better,
kids always found a way to make things tough.
I was never daddy's little girl,
and my mother never made enough.
Was always fighting for her attention,
but she had to give it all to a job.
Rarely got to see her face,
but as the oldest, I couldn't sob.

So I kept it moving.....

Fourteen years old now,
and this man saw me as a target.
He preyed on the weak,
he smiled down on the brokenhearted.
An uncle she wanted to trust,
because with family she felt safe.
Until that sick mother fucker cupped her cheeks,
and licked all over her face.
Sent me back to my own hell,
till this day, I never recovered.
Broken, afraid of the very essence that makes me a woman,
and living with a conscious that will never allow me to trust another.
The very sight of him makes me sick, nauseated,
I could never deny what I feel.
Ripped the child right up out of me,
tried to convince myself it was only a dream, but it was very real.
I closed my eyes and clicked my heels, just like Dorthy
and repeated "there's no place like home"
But when I opened my eyes back up, I was still in the midst of my own hell
facing this shit all alone.
I was stuck, traumatized
some nights afraid to go to sleep.
Had convinced myself if I dozed off,
them moments will play repeat.

scorned, by another man....

She got accepted into college
Her ticket to redefine herself.
A way to step outside the box,
and escape from her living hell.
Excited for her life,
the first time in forever.
Hiding from her past years,
never wanting to look back on them ever.
She was determined to make a statement,
show the world she was above her circumstances.
And although her heart carried much weight,
she wanted to believe in second chances.
I know for sure that God couldn't hold me liable,
He couldn't make me feel this pain for eternity.
My purpose was going to reveal itself,
this shit just couldn't keep hurting me.

And that's when I met him....

Christmas break,
I call it the coldest winter ever.
I played right into his arms,
and fell for any words that were clever.
Five months later
I called myself a wife.
at 18 years old I gotten married to a man,
and had no real experience out of life.
I thought this shit was grand,
someone loved me enough to make me thiers.
For years I had been searching for love,
and he was the first to show me that he cared.
So in my mind I was winning,
I stayed right by his side.
Even after the chokeing
and blacking of my eyes.
You couldn't tell me that he didn't love me,
he aplogized everytime.
And although me and death were holding hands,
I couldn't let him go, he was mines.
Beaten..
mentality all fucked up.
Had quit school, turned my back on my family,
so yet agian I was stuck.
I played the role of his punching bag,
for five fucken years
and although I was dying, my insides crying
I couldn't cry no fucken tears.
They wouldn't fall,
I couldn't get them to roll down my face.
That's when I realized my turning point,
he had taught me how to hate.
Just when I thought I could do it,
turn my back and leave.
I found out that same week
I had a baby inside of me.

with my concrete eyes.....

My heart started to harden,
I started to forget what love was.
Was in agreement I had no purpose,
just walking the earth just because.
I was at my lowest point,
depression surrounded me,
looked me in my face and told me I wasnt shit
and silently, I had to agree.
Nobody told me any different,
I wasn't shown another way.
I took what life dealt me,
it wasn't much that I could say.
I grew up without my father,
and the shit fucked me up.
I didn't want my son to grow up
with the same luck.
So I stayed around,
praying there would be more for me
although I couldn't cry any tears
I felt the pain and misery.
I felt this baby growing,
due date getting close.
Wondering if he would have the power to change his father
and bring our little family some hope.
That morning when I gave birth,
I never experienced anything quite like that,
But when I first looked him into his eyes
I realized I had to fight back

Startig with quiting his father and making us a new life....