Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My Old Testament

Went through a thousand hells,
and a lot of sleepless nights.
Walked a million miles barefoot,
With absolutely no eye sight.
Ran marathons in the rain,
woken up to no sun light.
Darkness, dreadfulness,
and one hell of a gloomy life...
It started out fatherless,
a young girl searching for her soul.
A daddy never present,
pushed her into arms that were cold.
A bastard from day one,
a man who cared less to free me.
Walking around with suicidal thoughts,
because I felt so damn empty.
School wasn't any better,
kids always found a way to make things tough.
I was never daddy's little girl,
and my mother never made enough.
Was always fighting for her attention,
but she had to give it all to a job.
Rarely got to see her face,
but as the oldest, I couldn't sob.

So I kept it moving.....

Fourteen years old now,
and this man saw me as a target.
He preyed on the weak,
he smiled down on the brokenhearted.
An uncle she wanted to trust,
because with family she felt safe.
Until that sick mother fucker cupped her cheeks,
and licked all over her face.
Sent me back to my own hell,
till this day, I never recovered.
Broken, afraid of the very essence that makes me a woman,
and living with a conscious that will never allow me to trust another.
The very sight of him makes me sick, nauseated,
I could never deny what I feel.
Ripped the child right up out of me,
tried to convince myself it was only a dream, but it was very real.
I closed my eyes and clicked my heels, just like Dorthy
and repeated "there's no place like home"
But when I opened my eyes back up, I was still in the midst of my own hell
facing this shit all alone.
I was stuck, traumatized
some nights afraid to go to sleep.
Had convinced myself if I dozed off,
them moments will play repeat.

scorned, by another man....

She got accepted into college
Her ticket to redefine herself.
A way to step outside the box,
and escape from her living hell.
Excited for her life,
the first time in forever.
Hiding from her past years,
never wanting to look back on them ever.
She was determined to make a statement,
show the world she was above her circumstances.
And although her heart carried much weight,
she wanted to believe in second chances.
I know for sure that God couldn't hold me liable,
He couldn't make me feel this pain for eternity.
My purpose was going to reveal itself,
this shit just couldn't keep hurting me.

And that's when I met him....

Christmas break,
I call it the coldest winter ever.
I played right into his arms,
and fell for any words that were clever.
Five months later
I called myself a wife.
at 18 years old I gotten married to a man,
and had no real experience out of life.
I thought this shit was grand,
someone loved me enough to make me thiers.
For years I had been searching for love,
and he was the first to show me that he cared.
So in my mind I was winning,
I stayed right by his side.
Even after the chokeing
and blacking of my eyes.
You couldn't tell me that he didn't love me,
he aplogized everytime.
And although me and death were holding hands,
I couldn't let him go, he was mines.
mentality all fucked up.
Had quit school, turned my back on my family,
so yet agian I was stuck.
I played the role of his punching bag,
for five fucken years
and although I was dying, my insides crying
I couldn't cry no fucken tears.
They wouldn't fall,
I couldn't get them to roll down my face.
That's when I realized my turning point,
he had taught me how to hate.
Just when I thought I could do it,
turn my back and leave.
I found out that same week
I had a baby inside of me.

with my concrete eyes.....

My heart started to harden,
I started to forget what love was.
Was in agreement I had no purpose,
just walking the earth just because.
I was at my lowest point,
depression surrounded me,
looked me in my face and told me I wasnt shit
and silently, I had to agree.
Nobody told me any different,
I wasn't shown another way.
I took what life dealt me,
it wasn't much that I could say.
I grew up without my father,
and the shit fucked me up.
I didn't want my son to grow up
with the same luck.
So I stayed around,
praying there would be more for me
although I couldn't cry any tears
I felt the pain and misery.
I felt this baby growing,
due date getting close.
Wondering if he would have the power to change his father
and bring our little family some hope.
That morning when I gave birth,
I never experienced anything quite like that,
But when I first looked him into his eyes
I realized I had to fight back

Startig with quiting his father and making us a new life....

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